It's been over a month since I posted in here. I came back because a friend mentioned it on Facebook. And as far as I know (and how deeply saddening it is), Xanga will never be the same. I'm grateful for the friends I've made on Xanga. Those past 9 nines of ups and downs, how people flooded in with support and when they sought support for their own life obstacles. People still scoff when I mention that I've made friends from online. I believe the beauty of most of my online friendships (99%) is that I got to see their internal worth, the brightness of their character, and the energy from their thoughts without superficial attributes getting in the way. While what now sits here is an empty shell of what once greatness used to be, I am eternally grateful for the fact that I've met wonderful and (hopefully) life-long friends (whether digital or eventually in person). Maybe it's time to close this chapter... Or maybe not. I can't decide...

As much as I write about how I wish to be in a loving relationship with someone, I also started thinking about how I'm currently living my life as a still young-ish single person. I'm not much of a bar or club type person, but I do enjoy finding friends to hang out with while also finding time for myself on week nights after work.

And honestly, I think that, I'm still young.... and I should have fun. Some things in mind for fun is traveling. Especially traveling to places that inhabit fellow Xangans. Just so I can meet them. Check out their surroundings. But mostly meet them.

Don't get me wrong; if someone comes along that would want to be in a relationship with me (and the feelings are mutual), I would take up the opportunity. But, for right now, maybe it's time for me to push myself to my potential in exploration...

This past weekend, I kinda had a reminder of what it was like to be close to someone. Hugging here, some hand-holding there, some dancing, arm around each others' waists, some small pecks on the cheek here and there. And just like that, it was over. It felt wonderful. And it was something I certainly missed. It's a shame that she lives a far way away. But, I certainly enjoyed spending that day with her. And hope to see each other again in person soon.

I want to go and visit this girl, but all the next 5 weekends are filled up with obligations. -_-* Timing has never been on my side, and things always pile on whenever I try to plan something.

I usually post pictures on my Facebook of the foods that I try. I like going around and seeing what this awesome city has to offer in cuisine; so, I document the meals and places I've been to. I posted some pictures tonight... and my mom called me fat in all of them. -_-*

(I love my mom.)

It's been a couple days since I caught up update about the friend who just got into a relationship. I've let it process over that time, and it was kinda an up and down venture. Monday night, I tried going to bed around midnight. And because of how my brain works, I didn't really fall asleep until 3 or 4 ish. I thought about the opportunity that I may have missed when rekindling that friendship we had. She was interning about 15 minutes away from me for the summer. Almost every day of the work week, we met up for lunch. It felt like nothing really has changed since the last time we were out together. Through a certain number of weeks, I was tackling the decision whether or not to try again and ask if she wanted to pursue something further than just friendship. However, the fear was that it would complicate the friendship again if she had the same answer as before. I decided to just keep it at friends.

Although I would comment that we were very close, we were still in fact friends. We hugged a lot, poked each other, had long and complex conversations... it was everything that I would be seeking for in a partner. However, I kept it at a friendship level (even though feelings were still a bit present). Fast forward to Monday, and I texted her in the lightest possible manner after finding out. I wrote, "Ooooooh, a relationship, eh?" We got into some slight detail about the guy, whom I found out she talked about briefly during one of our lunches (although it was only during the time they were just friends). As the conversation progressed, I started to feel a little more bitter each passing minute. I knew that maybe I just needed to stop and let it settle. I tossed and turned a lot that night. I only got about 3-4 hours of sleep, and I felt crappy the next morning. Throughout the day, I started to pick through these emotions, these feelings, the justifications and misconceptions. It seemed like I was looking for validation for how I was feeling.

I have gone up, and I have gone down. But each time, the amount shrunk. I keep telling myself that I can't be mad or bitter towards her. She had an opportunity and she seized it. I was more so disappointed in myself for not doing what she did. It was me that dropped the ball and picked it up once it was too late. It was always timing that I was bad at. And every once in a while, the timing clicked. Those were the good relationships in the past. But they were rare. A lot of times, either things just never really meshed together, or I was just way too late. I also didn't want to feel sorry for myself any longer, but you know, it's easier said than done.

However, it wasn't like she was the only one in my scope. I started liking this other girl. We chat a good lot online and we don't live too far from each other. I pitched the idea of meeting and hanging out some time and she seems to be up for it. I'm at least hoping that we get that happening soon and see how it goes.

I don't know what it is about love and relationships and missed opportunities that make me pick myself apart. Down to the very joint and limbs to figure out what it is that is making me miss these chances. I analyzed, I reflect, I question myself a lot.

The only thing I know is that the girl I do find.... I'm going to love her to the moon and back.

So, the girl that I met about a year ago. The one where things just didn't go in my direction... I just found on Facebook that she listed herself as "In a relationship." It doesn't say with who and I'm not sure if it's an actual one or a joke one. I do admit that I still had some feelings for her... but now, I don't really know how to feel...

*edit*

It's a legit relationship. She has talked about him before, but only from a friend perspective. Just as friends. But I guess now... they're a couple... oi...

I has a crush on somebodys. Haven't met her in person yet, but we talk a bit online.

I don't know why, but this new interface hasn't been compelling me enough to write. Before I had access to posting, I wanted to write. I wanted to get my thoughts down. And now... because it's not the same as version 1.0, I think it has lost its appeal. The community isn't around as much, everything requires searching around for instead of just being in one place.... Xanga 2.0 lost the appeal that 1.0 had. It makes me sad panda.