October 2, 2013

• Like a Scab, I Keep Picking At Myself

  It’s been a couple days since I caught up update about the friend who just got into a relationship. I’ve let it process over that time, and it was kinda an up and down venture. Monday night, I tried going to bed around midnight. And because of how my brain works, I didn’t really fall asleep until 3 or 4 ish. I thought about the opportunity that I may have missed when rekindling that friendship we had. She was interning about 15 minutes away from me for the summer. Almost every day of the work week, we met up for lunch. It felt like nothing really has changed since the last time we were out together. Through a certain number of weeks, I was tackling the decision whether or not to try again and ask if she wanted to pursue something further than just friendship. However, the fear was that it would complicate the friendship again if she had the same answer as before. I decided to just keep it at friends.

  Although I would comment that we were very close, we were still in fact friends. We hugged a lot, poked each other, had long and complex conversations… it was everything that I would be seeking for in a partner. However, I kept it at a friendship level (even though feelings were still a bit present). Fast forward to Monday, and I texted her in the lightest possible manner after finding out. I wrote, “Ooooooh, a relationship, eh?” We got into some slight detail about the guy, whom I found out she talked about briefly during one of our lunches (although it was only during the time they were just friends). As the conversation progressed, I started to feel a little more bitter each passing minute. I knew that maybe I just needed to stop and let it settle. I tossed and turned a lot that night. I only got about 3-4 hours of sleep, and I felt crappy the next morning. Throughout the day, I started to pick through these emotions, these feelings, the justifications and misconceptions. It seemed like I was looking for validation for how I was feeling.

  I have gone up, and I have gone down. But each time, the amount shrunk. I keep telling myself that I can’t be mad or bitter towards her. She had an opportunity and she seized it. I was more so disappointed in myself for not doing what she did. It was me that dropped the ball and picked it up once it was too late. It was always timing that I was bad at. And every once in a while, the timing clicked. Those were the good relationships in the past. But they were rare. A lot of times, either things just never really meshed together, or I was just way too late. I also didn’t want to feel sorry for myself any longer, but you know, it’s easier said than done.

  However, it wasn’t like she was the only one in my scope. I started liking this other girl. We chat a good lot online and we don’t live too far from each other. I pitched the idea of meeting and hanging out some time and she seems to be up for it. I’m at least hoping that we get that happening soon and see how it goes.

  • 11:35 pm
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