We’re slowly but surely winding down to the end of 2013. I can say that 2013 was an eventful year (both good and bad). Events that ranged from my 2 (now 3) year-old cousin being diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor to receiving surgery and now on his way to recovery, battling these dating and relationship woes, experiencing my first full year of working full-time, and in general just meeting many more great people. And 2014 will have plenty of events to keep me on my toes; first one being traveling to Hong Kong and China in less than 3 weeks. And maybe, it will be the year where someone special will enter my life, and I enter theirs.

Another thing is that, while I’m not much for resolutions, my brother, my two cousins (ages 19 and 16), and I are planning a resolution to train for (and then do) the Tough Mudder competition. Not sure what it is? Check out the video:

 
Tough Mudder Preview
 

It’s basically a marathon where besides running, you have obstacles like climbing walls, crawling through narrow spaces, jumping into ice filled water, and running through dangling wires that jolt 10,000 volts through them. It’s still up in the air, but it might be the motivation I need to get myself back into shape.

We will see. I hope that you guys had a great 2013 and thus, will have a great 2014.

This past Monday, I went to a dinner party with a friend. Her birthday was coming up soon, and the host of the party was also celebrating his birthday. He cooked some awesome food (barbecue pork, brussel sprouts with some peppers and squash, awesome potato salad, etc. I only kinda knew him and my friend there; everyone else was the host’s friends.

I kinda sat away by the dinner table checking through my phone when my friend asked me a random question: “Hey Ben. You can block people on OKCupid, right?” She was chatting with another one of her friends. I said, “Yes, you can.” and joined in the conversation. It turns out they were exchanging stories about their experience on OKCupid. The other friend was a girl (who I believe used to be a customer that visited the friend’s restaurant a lot). I heard her mention that she like video games, and of course, that struck up my interest and curiosity. I began to talk to her and ask her what kind of video games she liked. For the rest of the night, we had a good full-conversation. We shared a lot of common interests: video games, musical talent, zombies, the usual. It was a fun conversation and she was a really awesome person.

Since she mentioned OKCupid, I figured that she might be single. So, I talked to a mutual friend who is closer to the other friend about it. That was on Thursday night. This morning, I received a text from said mutual friend (since I think she’s trying to figure out more information about this person, and if maybe she and other friend could play matchmaker). The text read, “She’s 8 years older than you O_O” I was a little surprised myself because while I had an idea that she might have been older than me, I would have guessed more like 2 or 3 years older, not eight. Some very impressive Asian genes she has (oh, yes. She’s Asian). It caught me off guard for a minute, but… it’s not that farfetched nowadays for men to date older women, right? I mean, there are plenty of couples where the girl is way younger than the guy. And I’m sure there are relationships where the woman is older than the man. I’m just not sure if 8 is a common number, though. And even then, if she is interested in dating younger men.

What do you think about couples where the age gap is kinda significant?

I remember in the past, whenever I’ve had dating woes, people often tell me that I need to learn to be happy when I’m single. That simply trying to plug a hole within myself with a relationship with someone else would just make it worse. That a relationship only works when you are adding onto your already established happiness. And to a point, I would agree.

It may seemed the same this time around, but it’s definitely not. I’ve been single for almost two years now since my last relationship. Even shortly after that, I was happy. I was content. Nothing bad happened in the previous relationship; things just didn’t have that spark and I didn’t want to drag it on because that would be unfair to her. I’ve enjoyed the time I had with friends, and even with new friends. I start becoming active more with Xanga refugees on Facebook, got to know them, chat with them, and as a result, sometimes felt some strong connections with some of them. This one wasn’t any different.

I was ready to add on to what I had. I put my cards on the table and I wanted to see how I lucked out. Unfortunately, right now, it’s still in the air. I’ve emotionally invested a lot into creating a stronger bond between her and I. And, maybe because I had a glimmer of what it might have been like with our flirty texts back and forth, I felt like something would come of it. And at this point in time, I feel like right now, I’m losing out. Certain actions haven’t been reciprocated as much as it used to be. I feel like I should ask if things have changed, and that I might no longer be someone she would be interested in pursuing a relationship with.

Another part of me is saying that I need to wait. She mentioned that life is in the air and that while she doesn’t know right now, there can be a possibility for a relationship (although that’s still not a guarantee). She mentions that she has a upfront and blunt kind of attitude with information. And she knows that I like her, and if she feels that nothing can happen between us, she would tell me, right? Maybe… for right now, this is just her being cautious, keeping her distance. She mentioned that she has been stood up before, and maybe, she’s just trying to protect herself. If only she really knew I would never do anything to stand her up or hurt her intentionally (she kinda does since I’ve told her, though those are just words).

Also talking to a friend at lunch today, I think that one of my flaws more than a strength is that maybe I just overcommit too easily. When I talk to and get to know someone, often times, I develop a strong attraction to them. I find stimulating and intellectual conversation to be quite arousing and sexy. Then, I begin to emotionally invest in that attraction. Sometimes, I just can’t help myself. I like strong-minded people. Along with how my friendships are, I hate half-assing my connections with people. I feel people deserve my full effort and attention. Same with relationships and potential relationships. When I’m attracted to someone, I want to learn more about them. Knowing who they are, their stories, their quirks, it always peaks my interest. I just think that, maybe, my interest in them might be one thing driving them away too.

They tell me not to be too available. That it’s a sign of desperation. The thing is, the way we mostly communicate is by text. I always have my phone on me, and when someone messages me, I usually message right back within next 1 or 2 minutes. It’s not just prospectives; it’s with anyone that is on my good side. But, maybe that habit might give off the notion that I’m desperate or always waiting by my phone.

Another piece of advice I got from a number of people is, be a little bit more of an ass. Be a little cocky. As hard as I try, I just can’t. Because when I do, I feel guilty of being fake, and then being fake feels like lying. I don’t like to lie. Plus, trying to keep up that persona until something happens would just be too tiring. I’m already tired as it is just trying to maintain my patience.

I just think that maybe the entire reason why I’m usually so let down with these dating prospects is because I commit too early. I open my heart up so soon. They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I don’t have a problem with commitment; that, I know. I just have a problem of committing too hard too fast.

(Kinda way off track from my original point) I’m not trying to plug a hole in my life with a relationship. I’m trying to add on. The reason, though, for feeling this amount of pain and torture, is because I commit too early. And when things don’t go the way I wanted them to, my hopes come crashing down (often hurting as much as someone leaving the relationship). I know that I should change this habit if I wish to not get so hurt in the future… but I feel like it’s just going to be too difficult. With the way I lived my personality, to be honest, open, and unhesitant in loving, it would feel like going against that. I know that’s not that drastic, but I do feel like I would be betraying myself.

I’m just tired of always losing or coming in second compared to someone else. Tired of being an option. Just… tired. I’m just not cut out for this dating thing because I’m a no-bullshit cut-straight-to-the-point kinda guy. I don’t go after girls for the thrill; I go for one because I want to be with her. I want to offer her what I can in terms of being loved, companionship, and support when times are tough. There’s just too much uncertainty with constantly chasing and getting nowhere. My earlier years of relationships were much easier; a simple “I like you” and “I like you too” and then a relationship blossomed. Maybe those days are over now…

I don’t know where this anxiety came from, but if someone knows a way to stop overthinking, let me know. I’m just emotionally and mentally burnt out now. I want to stop thinking about this, about her, but it just doesn’t seem to happen. My mind races to every possible outcome (even the worst ones) and it puts a lot of unneeded stress on my brain and on my heart.

It could possibly be chalked up to thinking too much, but emotionally and mentally, I feel like shit today.

Hello, dear ol’ friends. It has been another while. Long enough that I’ve seen myself change… I’m just not sure if it’s for better or for worse.

Over the past month and a little more, there has been someone that I’ve been talking to. She and I have known each other for a bit from the former self of this community. From what I remember, she found my Xanga, and left a few comments here and there. We exchanged comments whenever we posted a new entry. We even had a webcam conversation with a couple other Xangans one time. It was the actual first time I saw her face. She was pretty. I remember she was packing for a trip abroad. To visit a boyfriend. I never really got to hear her voice since she preferred to type, but we still got to put a face to the name. I haven’t thought much of it.

Then came the time where I usually shone: relationship woes. I often heard dilemmas from couples and I always did my best to offer the best advice. With her, it was no different. I remember how her post just felt so heavy. It reeked of frustration on her part. I did the best I could. She then messaged me and told me how she felt I was the only one who looked after her best interests. I gave it my best shot. And I guess with that advice, the relationship ended shortly after. Still, I never thought much of it.

Then, the downfall of the former Xanga. People fled. I placed my connection info up. She found me on Facebook. I got to finally know her real name. Still, even with some slight advancements, I never really thought too much about. I remember over the course of the summer, she would send me some points of interest around her area. I got a feeling that maybe, she wanted someone to come visit and hang out with her. Of course, I kept it in mind, but haven’t really committed quite to it yet.

Then, one night, towards the end of October, I received a text from an unknown number. It said, “Look out your window.” Of course, with new and unfamiliar numbers, I’m usually careful. I responded, “Who’s this? And whom are you looking for?” The number replied, “Just someone from Xanga.” And then I knew it was her. From that point, we’ve been texting everyday. We chatted a lot about anything and everything. It was a great exchange where I got to know each other a little more, and with each passing message, I began to relish in that connection we were developing. Usually, when I communicate with someone really well and we don’t skip a beat, the attraction… it’s like a magnet I just can’t fight. I knew that I can’t draw myself away from her. She was silly, cheerful, someone that was a whole new side to what I saw on Xanga 1.0.

Our texts became more involved. We began flirting. She then asked if I could come visit her. And feeling such a strong connection, I said that I would love to. We didn’t set the date until pre-spring since there was a specific time she wanted me to visit. We both became very excited for it. We would text well into the night, often uttering how we wish that time would pass by quicker so that day will arrive where we will finally see each other in person.

A little while later, she wrote something on Facebook that made me feel a little uneasy. I wasn’t sure if maybe she might have been losing interest, or that it could be something else. Maybe that she might have developed feelings for someone else. I knew all too well what it feels like to be on the losing end, the one that ends up with nothing after a good amount of time investment into a potential relationship. Too many times, it had happened. Some of those times, I never got to tell them how I felt. And I felt, I shouldn’t let this be another tally to that list. So, I admitted to her that I have feelings for her. I asked her if there was a possibility of a relationship in the future. She simply said that she doesn’t know. She said that there is a good possibility that there can be… however, I’ve heard that before. And well, the person who last said that to me… is now in a relationship with somebody else. However, knowing myself, I took that as my glimmer of hope. My chance to perhaps close the deal.

We continued to text everyday, followed by some Skype chats and even some phone calls. Then, earlier this week, I felt like I was disregarded. I won’t get into it, but I was pretty upset by something she did. I asked her why she did it, and she didn’t see what the big deal was. I did my best to hold myself together, to not blow up. However, she probably knew that I was internally losing my shit. Because of that, my visit might be put on hold (not because of me being upset, but other circumstances). We did, however, talked later that night. I apologized and said that I didn’t meant to make her feel uncomfortable, but I was pretty upset by what happened. We cleared the air, and as for right now, we both don’t know about our pre-spring plan. Somehow, I feel like our connection lost that sparkle. That we are merely talking.

Thinking about it now, I think that me being upset might have hurt my chances of actually forming a relationship with her. In the past, I always shoved my feelings aside because I never want to be selfish. I want to see people happy. Most of the time, their happiness came at my expense. I just didn’t want to be hurt again, in the same way over and over. This was the first time in a while I stood up for my feelings. And, it kinda blew back up in my face. I feel guilty. I feel selfish. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

They say that Cancers are people-driven creatures. They always look after the people closest to them. They care for them and will do anything to make sure there is harmony. And when Cancers don’t get what they want, they become manipulative. I do my best not to be manipulative. But, with this fiasco, I did. I guilted her. I tried to make sure see why I’m upset and to make sure she rectified what she did. And that’s why I feel guilt. I became the very thing I never wanted to be. I’m ashamed.

Even talking to a couple friends about it, I know that I might have gotten in too deep. I emotionally invested a lot into people who have entered my life and made a big impact. More often that it should, some decide to push aside that investment and either leave or even backstab me. I trust people easily when we share a connection. I’m as open as a book, that people can easily read. It’s who I am. And when the friends tell me that I probably need to change my habits when trying to develop a relationship, I’m very hesitant to do so. I’ve been told to dial back my involvement, my investment in people. I feel that it is unfair to do so. People deserve the effort to make a friendship/relationship work. I always willing to put in that 100%. Of course, not everyone is the same way. And I guess it’s why I get so burnt out so often. I always go full throttle, making sure I’m engaged to what the person has to offer, what I have to offer, and where our connection can go from that point on. I don’t want to half-ass my friendships and relationships.

So, how do I remedy my future self to adapt to future relationships? How can I make sure that I maintain a good balance of engaging the new person in my life without burning out so quickly and often? Is this current potential relationship still salvageable? I don’t know. I’m afraid to know. I want it to be saved. I want it to go further. I’m afraid of ending up hurt again from so much effort put into someone who I felt a great connection with. Someone who most likely had mutual feelings for me, but just didn’t want to take it so fast. And worst, what happens if I was just an option? How do I know that I’m either her option or priority? The problem is, I don’t. And, for all I know, maybe I’m just another piece in the puzzle trying to become the part that fits the best. She could be perusing amongst a pool, and I’m just another fish. I try not to tell myself that, that maybe for once, I will be the one she catches and keeps. But then, what happens if I’m not? What if my hopes were brought up only to come crashing down faster than before?

I always come running in, ready to take on whatever it takes. Maybe I’m just trying way too hard to be the good and only the good. People tell me that I have a uniqueness to my behavior, to how I treat people in my life, that I should never lose that. But, with that same conjecture, it hasn’t really helped me form that one special intimate connection. Someone to share our happiness and time together. Maybe…. I’m just way in over my head here. I feel another identity crisis where I don’t know what I want to be or need to be. I’ve stuck with how I want myself to be, and while many have admired it, it just still feels like it comes up short. I just don’t want to be another common tossed aside. I’m really hoping that this time, it would be different. I wish so hard… I focus so hard… I wish that it can at least go my way for once. That maybe… I no longer have to feel this pain… this recurring pain felt so many times over… yet, it hits harder and harder every time. And I wish it would finally stop soon…

It’s been over a month since I posted in here. I came back because a friend mentioned it on Facebook. And as far as I know (and how deeply saddening it is), Xanga will never be the same. I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made on Xanga. Those past 9 nines of ups and downs, how people flooded in with support and when they sought support for their own life obstacles. People still scoff when I mention that I’ve made friends from online. I believe the beauty of most of my online friendships (99%) is that I got to see their internal worth, the brightness of their character, and the energy from their thoughts without superficial attributes getting in the way. While what now sits here is an empty shell of what once greatness used to be, I am eternally grateful for the fact that I’ve met wonderful and (hopefully) life-long friends (whether digital or eventually in person). Maybe it’s time to close this chapter… Or maybe not. I can’t decide…