December 14, 2013

  • Staring at an Unknown Face

    Hello, dear ol’ friends. It has been another while. Long enough that I’ve seen myself change… I’m just not sure if it’s for better or for worse.

    Over the past month and a little more, there has been someone that I’ve been talking to. She and I have known each other for a bit from the former self of this community. From what I remember, she found my Xanga, and left a few comments here and there. We exchanged comments whenever we posted a new entry. We even had a webcam conversation with a couple other Xangans one time. It was the actual first time I saw her face. She was pretty. I remember she was packing for a trip abroad. To visit a boyfriend. I never really got to hear her voice since she preferred to type, but we still got to put a face to the name. I haven’t thought much of it.

    Then came the time where I usually shone: relationship woes. I often heard dilemmas from couples and I always did my best to offer the best advice. With her, it was no different. I remember how her post just felt so heavy. It reeked of frustration on her part. I did the best I could. She then messaged me and told me how she felt I was the only one who looked after her best interests. I gave it my best shot. And I guess with that advice, the relationship ended shortly after. Still, I never thought much of it.

    Then, the downfall of the former Xanga. People fled. I placed my connection info up. She found me on Facebook. I got to finally know her real name. Still, even with some slight advancements, I never really thought too much about. I remember over the course of the summer, she would send me some points of interest around her area. I got a feeling that maybe, she wanted someone to come visit and hang out with her. Of course, I kept it in mind, but haven’t really committed quite to it yet.

    Then, one night, towards the end of October, I received a text from an unknown number. It said, “Look out your window.” Of course, with new and unfamiliar numbers, I’m usually careful. I responded, “Who’s this? And whom are you looking for?” The number replied, “Just someone from Xanga.” And then I knew it was her. From that point, we’ve been texting everyday. We chatted a lot about anything and everything. It was a great exchange where I got to know each other a little more, and with each passing message, I began to relish in that connection we were developing. Usually, when I communicate with someone really well and we don’t skip a beat, the attraction… it’s like a magnet I just can’t fight. I knew that I can’t draw myself away from her. She was silly, cheerful, someone that was a whole new side to what I saw on Xanga 1.0.

    Our texts became more involved. We began flirting. She then asked if I could come visit her. And feeling such a strong connection, I said that I would love to. We didn’t set the date until pre-spring since there was a specific time she wanted me to visit. We both became very excited for it. We would text well into the night, often uttering how we wish that time would pass by quicker so that day will arrive where we will finally see each other in person.

    A little while later, she wrote something on Facebook that made me feel a little uneasy. I wasn’t sure if maybe she might have been losing interest, or that it could be something else. Maybe that she might have developed feelings for someone else. I knew all too well what it feels like to be on the losing end, the one that ends up with nothing after a good amount of time investment into a potential relationship. Too many times, it had happened. Some of those times, I never got to tell them how I felt. And I felt, I shouldn’t let this be another tally to that list. So, I admitted to her that I have feelings for her. I asked her if there was a possibility of a relationship in the future. She simply said that she doesn’t know. She said that there is a good possibility that there can be… however, I’ve heard that before. And well, the person who last said that to me… is now in a relationship with somebody else. However, knowing myself, I took that as my glimmer of hope. My chance to perhaps close the deal.

    We continued to text everyday, followed by some Skype chats and even some phone calls. Then, earlier this week, I felt like I was disregarded. I won’t get into it, but I was pretty upset by something she did. I asked her why she did it, and she didn’t see what the big deal was. I did my best to hold myself together, to not blow up. However, she probably knew that I was internally losing my shit. Because of that, my visit might be put on hold (not because of me being upset, but other circumstances). We did, however, talked later that night. I apologized and said that I didn’t meant to make her feel uncomfortable, but I was pretty upset by what happened. We cleared the air, and as for right now, we both don’t know about our pre-spring plan. Somehow, I feel like our connection lost that sparkle. That we are merely talking.

    Thinking about it now, I think that me being upset might have hurt my chances of actually forming a relationship with her. In the past, I always shoved my feelings aside because I never want to be selfish. I want to see people happy. Most of the time, their happiness came at my expense. I just didn’t want to be hurt again, in the same way over and over. This was the first time in a while I stood up for my feelings. And, it kinda blew back up in my face. I feel guilty. I feel selfish. I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

    They say that Cancers are people-driven creatures. They always look after the people closest to them. They care for them and will do anything to make sure there is harmony. And when Cancers don’t get what they want, they become manipulative. I do my best not to be manipulative. But, with this fiasco, I did. I guilted her. I tried to make sure see why I’m upset and to make sure she rectified what she did. And that’s why I feel guilt. I became the very thing I never wanted to be. I’m ashamed.

    Even talking to a couple friends about it, I know that I might have gotten in too deep. I emotionally invested a lot into people who have entered my life and made a big impact. More often that it should, some decide to push aside that investment and either leave or even backstab me. I trust people easily when we share a connection. I’m as open as a book, that people can easily read. It’s who I am. And when the friends tell me that I probably need to change my habits when trying to develop a relationship, I’m very hesitant to do so. I’ve been told to dial back my involvement, my investment in people. I feel that it is unfair to do so. People deserve the effort to make a friendship/relationship work. I always willing to put in that 100%. Of course, not everyone is the same way. And I guess it’s why I get so burnt out so often. I always go full throttle, making sure I’m engaged to what the person has to offer, what I have to offer, and where our connection can go from that point on. I don’t want to half-ass my friendships and relationships.

    So, how do I remedy my future self to adapt to future relationships? How can I make sure that I maintain a good balance of engaging the new person in my life without burning out so quickly and often? Is this current potential relationship still salvageable? I don’t know. I’m afraid to know. I want it to be saved. I want it to go further. I’m afraid of ending up hurt again from so much effort put into someone who I felt a great connection with. Someone who most likely had mutual feelings for me, but just didn’t want to take it so fast. And worst, what happens if I was just an option? How do I know that I’m either her option or priority? The problem is, I don’t. And, for all I know, maybe I’m just another piece in the puzzle trying to become the part that fits the best. She could be perusing amongst a pool, and I’m just another fish. I try not to tell myself that, that maybe for once, I will be the one she catches and keeps. But then, what happens if I’m not? What if my hopes were brought up only to come crashing down faster than before?

    I always come running in, ready to take on whatever it takes. Maybe I’m just trying way too hard to be the good and only the good. People tell me that I have a uniqueness to my behavior, to how I treat people in my life, that I should never lose that. But, with that same conjecture, it hasn’t really helped me form that one special intimate connection. Someone to share our happiness and time together. Maybe…. I’m just way in over my head here. I feel another identity crisis where I don’t know what I want to be or need to be. I’ve stuck with how I want myself to be, and while many have admired it, it just still feels like it comes up short. I just don’t want to be another common tossed aside. I’m really hoping that this time, it would be different. I wish so hard… I focus so hard… I wish that it can at least go my way for once. That maybe… I no longer have to feel this pain… this recurring pain felt so many times over… yet, it hits harder and harder every time. And I wish it would finally stop soon…

Comments (3)

  • I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so much. I wish it wasn’t a part of life. I hope you keep trying to be “the good one,” because there are people out there that you helped and that’ a great thing.

  • I’m working on getting a NYC friend to date you, haha. I have to wait until the time is right though! But I’m keeping it in mind.

    You’re a generous man, and I believe you are probably being too hard on yourself. It’s hard being generous in an age where generosity can be a fault…sigh.

  • Maybe it’s like cooking. Some people respond better to a slow, simmering stew while others prefer a fast stir fry over a hot wok.

    I don’t mean to make light of this. I’ve always known you here as someone with a soft and generous heart. I hope others can see that.

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