December 19, 2013

• I remember in the past, whenever I’ve had dating woes, people often tell me that I need to learn to be happy when I’m single. That simply trying to plug a hole within myself with a relationship with someone else would just make it worse. That a relationship only works when you are adding onto your already established happiness. And to a point, I would agree.

  It may seemed the same this time around, but it’s definitely not. I’ve been single for almost two years now since my last relationship. Even shortly after that, I was happy. I was content. Nothing bad happened in the previous relationship; things just didn’t have that spark and I didn’t want to drag it on because that would be unfair to her. I’ve enjoyed the time I had with friends, and even with new friends. I start becoming active more with Xanga refugees on Facebook, got to know them, chat with them, and as a result, sometimes felt some strong connections with some of them. This one wasn’t any different.

  I was ready to add on to what I had. I put my cards on the table and I wanted to see how I lucked out. Unfortunately, right now, it’s still in the air. I’ve emotionally invested a lot into creating a stronger bond between her and I. And, maybe because I had a glimmer of what it might have been like with our flirty texts back and forth, I felt like something would come of it. And at this point in time, I feel like right now, I’m losing out. Certain actions haven’t been reciprocated as much as it used to be. I feel like I should ask if things have changed, and that I might no longer be someone she would be interested in pursuing a relationship with.

  Another part of me is saying that I need to wait. She mentioned that life is in the air and that while she doesn’t know right now, there can be a possibility for a relationship (although that’s still not a guarantee). She mentions that she has a upfront and blunt kind of attitude with information. And she knows that I like her, and if she feels that nothing can happen between us, she would tell me, right? Maybe… for right now, this is just her being cautious, keeping her distance. She mentioned that she has been stood up before, and maybe, she’s just trying to protect herself. If only she really knew I would never do anything to stand her up or hurt her intentionally (she kinda does since I’ve told her, though those are just words).

  Also talking to a friend at lunch today, I think that one of my flaws more than a strength is that maybe I just overcommit too easily. When I talk to and get to know someone, often times, I develop a strong attraction to them. I find stimulating and intellectual conversation to be quite arousing and sexy. Then, I begin to emotionally invest in that attraction. Sometimes, I just can’t help myself. I like strong-minded people. Along with how my friendships are, I hate half-assing my connections with people. I feel people deserve my full effort and attention. Same with relationships and potential relationships. When I’m attracted to someone, I want to learn more about them. Knowing who they are, their stories, their quirks, it always peaks my interest. I just think that, maybe, my interest in them might be one thing driving them away too.

  They tell me not to be too available. That it’s a sign of desperation. The thing is, the way we mostly communicate is by text. I always have my phone on me, and when someone messages me, I usually message right back within next 1 or 2 minutes. It’s not just prospectives; it’s with anyone that is on my good side. But, maybe that habit might give off the notion that I’m desperate or always waiting by my phone.

  Another piece of advice I got from a number of people is, be a little bit more of an ass. Be a little cocky. As hard as I try, I just can’t. Because when I do, I feel guilty of being fake, and then being fake feels like lying. I don’t like to lie. Plus, trying to keep up that persona until something happens would just be too tiring. I’m already tired as it is just trying to maintain my patience.

  I just think that maybe the entire reason why I’m usually so let down with these dating prospects is because I commit too early. I open my heart up so soon. They say don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I don’t have a problem with commitment; that, I know. I just have a problem of committing too hard too fast.

  (Kinda way off track from my original point) I’m not trying to plug a hole in my life with a relationship. I’m trying to add on. The reason, though, for feeling this amount of pain and torture, is because I commit too early. And when things don’t go the way I wanted them to, my hopes come crashing down (often hurting as much as someone leaving the relationship). I know that I should change this habit if I wish to not get so hurt in the future… but I feel like it’s just going to be too difficult. With the way I lived my personality, to be honest, open, and unhesitant in loving, it would feel like going against that. I know that’s not that drastic, but I do feel like I would be betraying myself.

  I’m just tired of always losing or coming in second compared to someone else. Tired of being an option. Just… tired. I’m just not cut out for this dating thing because I’m a no-bullshit cut-straight-to-the-point kinda guy. I don’t go after girls for the thrill; I go for one because I want to be with her. I want to offer her what I can in terms of being loved, companionship, and support when times are tough. There’s just too much uncertainty with constantly chasing and getting nowhere. My earlier years of relationships were much easier; a simple “I like you” and “I like you too” and then a relationship blossomed. Maybe those days are over now…

  • 5:34 am
  • 5 Comments