Hello, 3 AM. My old friend. It's been a while.
I've actually gotten back from a party (a friend from college was celebrating her birthday also a housewarming). I've met a bunch of new people tonight (including a few from Boston) and saw some old friends as well. It's also been a much smaller world seeing that some even went to my college back in my home state and even knew a few of my friends from high school. I also met a Russian Swiss who was a very funny guy, and an awesome accent.
There was also one gay guy that's been eyeing me all night. A few times while in a chat circle, he put his arm around on my shoulder and I placed mine around his waist; it's just something I do with anyone who places their arm across my shoulders. Throughout the night after that, he would always join into other circles I'm in, sometimes even standing next to me and "accidentally" bumping into me. I also caught him staring at me several times. It's a shame I'm not gay. Or a girl.
In fact, because of the strange night schedule the subways have been running on, it's given me so much time to just.... think. For most of you that have known me for a while, thinking and I usually result in a very bad combination. My mind jumps all over the place; overanalyzing this, bringing up past memories (mostly embarrassing ones), trying to reject unwanted memories, and mostly just wondering.
One of the things that was constantly on my mind while I waited for the subway and even sitting on the subway was this one song from a past relationship (Canadians might have heard this one a lot):
This song came from the abusive relationship that I've blogged about before. During that relationship, she only kept songs on their iPod that held a certain meaning to her. This song came later in the relationship, during the constant on and offs we had. As time went on, this song got engrained into my brain. We had so many fights, so many times that she hung up on me while on the phone, and so many times being yelled at. After the relationship, I've been able to shut it out of my mind for a while (over a year, mostly). Recently, it popped back into my head unprovoked. And with the playing of it in my head came back all those awful times we fought. All those times where I was made to feel bad for making her cry. All those times where we were happy one moment, and then suddenly she wouldn't talk to me the next.
I aso thought about how I said earlier that I said it's a shame that I'm not gay or a girl. Because I've been hit on by gay guys more than girls. And once that thought went and gone through my head, I just felt so... shitty about myself. Sure, maybe I caught the attention of maybe 2 or 3 girls recently. But... nothing came of them. No spark. All I really am right now is just someone that most people get along with. Someone that has great charisma and conversation skills. Someone who can empathize and connect on a more intellectual level. But romantically, I've struck out more times than a minor league baseball player. It has become tiring. I placed myself on a hiatus of actively searching for girls, and instead just waited for some to message me; only two-three thus far.
Then, there was the Boston bombings. Having a cousin at the actual marathon and hearing what happened that day, I freaked out and was finding a way to get in touch with her so I can let the rest of the family know. Luckily and fortunately, she was unscathed and far away from the actual explosions. Then there were those who weren't lucky. Three victims in the bombings. Then a campus police officer who confronted the suspects last night. There has just been so much negativity in the news, I just couldn't handle it. I usually read the news at work, and I had to resort to not even looking at my computer to try to get away from it. People today are filled up with so much anger, so much hate. You can't drive out hate with hate. People focus on why bad things happen... when instead, they need to focus on the good things that already existed. There's nothing wrong with sharing and purging negativity from yourself from time to time, but when 3 out of 4 Americans truly see no hope in their future, the state of the economy, the level of violence happening... people often don't motivate themselves to find a way to get happy again.
Right now, I feel like it's really rubbing off on me, dragging me down. I look at the people I pass by everyday, wondering what they're thinking, how they feel about the world around them. Are we too concerned about our own well-being that we often forget that others exist and are probably in the same situation as we are? Why do we not hold the same amount of pain that we do when something happens to someone close to us to a stranger that we may or may not meet? Maybe because in a way, if we did feel that same amount all the time, we would no longer exist. A person can only deal with so much pain before it becomes unbearable. So, we make some sacrifices. We empathize, but not to the same level as someone who knew that person well. Checks and balances.
It's a cruel world. But, I think that we still need more love in the world. We still need more people to care for one another. We have to tell ourselves to stop being only self-serving. We need to remember that we are all in this together. This world may not come to our fruition of what we thought it would be, but it still doesn't mean we can't make the best of it.
I've met some great people tonight, this week, this month, this year; in real life, on Xanga, on Facebook, on OKCupid.... I only wish love and peace for all of you. I always extend my platonic and family love to each and every one of you. I am still seeking that one love that some of you already possess oh so dearly. When you find that one (or maybe two or three) person that you love and hold on so dearly, do everything you can to be good to each other. Don't take that love for granted. Don't let it wither away; don't let it turn from "a love we have" to "a love we once had."
I'm rambling on at this point, but really, all I'm saying is, love with all your heart all the people who come into your life... and even those who have left (voluntarily and with no choice). Open up your hearts, and maybe, just maybe, the future will begin to shine brightly again.
With love always,
Ben
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