Another night, another time I’m sleeping in a new place. Earlier this past week-ish, I had to relocate to my other aunt’s place for a week since my cousins and their kids were coming up to visit for the holiday weekend. My room was given to my little cousin (the one who had surgery) as well as his parents. I slept in the living room on the futon at my second aunt’s place. The first few days, I slept fine. However, recently, I’ve had trouble falling asleep. I find myself in the same position right now as I type this at another cousin’s house, sitting in their pull-out couch bed. This is my second time being at the house, but my first time sleeping over.
I usually have a hard time sleep when I have a lot on my mind. This case is no exception. We had a family barbecue today and a lot of slightly related cousins showed up as well. A few of them have boyfriends and so the constant bickering from relatives about when they are getting married or at least even engaged came up. They ask a couple of them why they didn’t bring their boyfriends along to the barbecue. And while those comments and questions weren’t directed towards me, I know that I’m stuck within that group as well. The difference is that I’m about 4-6 years older than the oldest one.
Another friend just announced that her and her boyfriend are now engaged. A star studded rock on her finger, big smiles from both of them, and thank yous and congratulations were exchanged. A Xangan bestie is getting married soon. A best friend from school is getting married in October. Some more close friends are slowly planning their weddings. I’m very happy for everyone. I find great happiness within myself when I see that my friends and family are happy. I share their joys, their pains, their gripes, and anything that they care to open up to me about. I’m just also a little saddened of how much I’m reminded that I’m currently still single.
I know that life is not a race. I know that I have to find happiness within myself first before I involve someone else in my life. I know that someone can’t be that happiness; otherwise, when they leave, I’ll be stuck back at where I started. But when you are unhappy about something, you have to be active to change that sadness to happiness. Paradox. Maybe I long for something more. They tell me I’m still young. I turn 26 tomorrow. I got a little behind on planning something to do. I don’t want to be so last minute with throwing something together and then having people feel guilty when they can’t make it. I understand it’s my fault and my fault alone. And, to avoid that situation, the most I did was ask one person if they wanted to get dinner. And even if that person says no, I really don’t think I’ll be upset.
But, it’s not really about my birthday that got me restless. Really more of how much (or little) I am keeping tabs on my friendships and relationships. More of what potential some acquaintances have that can blossom into something more. What I’m doing to rectify this void I’m feeling. I know that this seems like a repeat from past episodes (which it probably is). But, I guess I’m just tired of trying so hard to make these changes. So tired of putting in a lot of effort only to have these goals barely move an inch. I stare at this screen and I see one last chance to pour my heart out before the inevitable happens. There are those of you on here who wish that Xanga continues. And there are those who just want this to be over. I’m in the former group, because of the many great people I’ve met on here. Maybe we will meet sometime in the future; maybe we will never meet in person. I find this as a portal to reaching people I would have never known existed. I get to read and pick apart people’s minds to discover what they are thinking, what their perspectives are. Hell, I’ve even gotten into a relationship with someone I met with Xanga (even though it wasn’t the best relationship, but that’s more based on her personality rather than Xanga itself).
This was a place for me to open up. I do open up pretty easily in person, but only if I’m comfortable. It can take me as little as a few hours up to even several months when I can get comfortable. I know that I have an easy time picking out the people I can trust, the people I can confide in to tell my private woes and crises. Only a few times when my gut has proven me wrong. (This entry is probably all over the place, so I apologize for jumping all around).
One thing that I have had on my mind for a while was admitting to someone that I like them. Maybe she knows, maybe she doesn’t. But, I think it’s time for me to open up to her and put it out there. Call it taking a chance, or probably a mistake waiting to happen. And that’s what scares me. I’ve been unsuccessful with a lot of recent confessions. These girls, I’ve connected on a very deep level with. Maybe I’m just floating too high with my head in the clouds. Maybe I’m just not good at reading signals. Maybe… I’m just nothing more than a great friend. There’s nothing more I care greatly for than a deep friendship knowing that I’m trusted, someone that they can go to when things become tough. I guess I’m just… saddened when everything turns out this way when I have hoped for something more.
Maybe I’m over my head. Maybe I’m just tired of waiting for something to happen to me. Maybe I want to be able to be the change that happens to me. But as it seems, even trying to create that change myself hasn’t been working. I’m just so tired. I lose sleep every night as the thoughts pile up in my head. I started having dreams where people from my past become more and more distant. I have tried to reestablish some past connections. Some to an avail. Others that I just feel awkward trying to rekindle. People change, I know. And maybe because we haven’t spoken in a while doesn’t mean that the relationship between us is failing.
I just really wish that my energy will soon turn out something positive. That maybe one of my risks will come to work in my favor. I learned that if I invest too much energy into something only to have it not work out in the end, I’m only going to tear myself down even worse than before. But, I always hate not giving 100% of my effort into something I deeply care about. And thus, the vicious cycle that eats away at my brain, heart, my consciousness.
Life has a lot of hardships to deal with. Mine doesn’t compare to what others are dealing with at the moment. And it makes me feel selfish. But people tell me to work on myself… which is hard for me to do. I often do it involuntarily, as it is apparent right now. Reflection is often an activity that consumes about 40-50% of my time. If you ever wish to torture yourself, just sit in my brain for 24 hours and you’ll know what I mean.
However, I just really want to divert my conscience away from myself for a while. I wish to redirect it to those who mean the most to me. That’s a lot of people. But I think in a good amount of time, everyone on that list will benefit.
If you took the time to read this, thanks. If it’s a lot to take in for you, I understand if you don’t comment. I wouldn’t wish to torture you with my self-destructive thoughts. I hope you have a wonderful day/afternoon/evening/night.
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