July 1, 2013

• It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything of substantial heavyness on here (not that I feel I always have to, but just something I noticed). And sometimes, I always wonder if life has a way of piling things on the longer anything has yet to happen.

  Last night, while staying at my other aunt’s place, I couldn’t sleep. It could be the futon that I’m sleeping on, but the prior 2 nights, I have had no problem dozing off on the same futon. I even fell asleep on their floor. And somehow, I chalk it up to rampant thoughts again. This time, more about friendships than anything.

  I truly believe that friendship is a two-way street (as it should be). I guess what triggered this thought cycle last night was that I discovered a friend unfriended me last night on Facebook. It wasn’t that I was upset about it, but more so confused about why. Did I say something wrong? Did I post something that they didn’t like? Who knows… I sent another request, thinking maybe they just decided to make another profile and was in the process of rebuilding their friends list. Then, I started thinking about my friendship with this girl whom has came back into my life after disappearing for a little bit. We’ve gotten lunch together for the past week/week and a half since she now works closer to where I work (for the summer anyways). Before that disappearance, we have hung out a lot. I liked her a lot. The same girl who I wrote about before, where things just didn’t work out in my favor. Now, we see each other pretty often. Lunch has became a routine thing for us. We always greet each other with a warm, long hug. We playfully play punch, poke, and tickle each other. Still, as much as these signs might point to somewhat of an interest building up, I’m afraid to ask again (in the name of clairty). I’m afraid of just somehow awkwardly creating that space betweem us again. The feelings have came back. I would say yes if she were to show interest in starting a relationship. But somehow, I feel like, in all reality, that’s not what’s going to happen. We’re going to see a movie tonight after work, and at the moment, I’m just keeping my mouth shut.

  I also thought about past friendships that I felt have been dwindling away. These friendships existed back in my home state. Friends that I knew from my childhood. And now, I think about how little, if at all, we chat. I’ve tried reaching out to a few and we have exchanged some messages here and there. I’m still looking for some time when I head back home to catch up with them in person. And then I start to wonder if actually moving to NYC has really created all this (literal and figurative) distance. I know that people say that you will always make new friends as you go on in life. I also want to maintain those friendships that I have developed in the past years, mainly because of when they were there for me, and just how much of my life they make up. I’ve been steadily making some more friends while I’m here (and I wish to actually meet them in person, for those I’ve met online). I just also want to tap back into my roots and reignite those old friendships.

  It’s more now that I’m wondering if I’m just trying way too hard. And as a result of that, if it is what’s leading me to feel so… sad and empty.

  Luckily, this coffee can help keep me awake today as well as clear my mind. Running on 2 hours of sleep isn’t fun, especially when you have a million thoughts running through your mind.

  • 9:08 am
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